"Imaginge seeing the sun your whole life. Seeing it from a distance, but never feeling its warmth. Then one day you walked outside and you felt the sun on your face and your arms for the first time in your life. That’s the feeling you give me. Thats how I feel when I’m with you." -Quote straight from my boyfriends mouth.
I reacently had my heart broken and I think I’d like to just get it all out there. So this is the story about the boy that took my heart and shattered it, but never gave it back.
I guess I fell in love with this boy along time ago. My first day of middle school. Thats when I met my best friend. And I slowly fell in love with him over the last 6 years. We finally decided to give it a shot in April 2013. And honestly I dont think I can ever remember being so happy. He makes me feel like im flying. I loved him with everything I had. And we planned our lives out together and our wedding and our kids and our happy little life we would have. Now this all happened very fast. I bacame part of his family very fast. We fell in love fast. But understand this had been building up for years, so where as seemed fast to everyone else, it was really natural for us and I think that’s what no one is understanding about my saddness over this whole thing… Anyway, when we started dating in the spring I was in a pretty good spot in my life. I’d conqured my depression, I was doing well in school, summer was starting, I had good friends, so I was pretty confident. But he, well I think he was probably at his lowest point. He wasnt in school, he was in rehab, his parents were splitting up, but then came me. And I saved him.
We had the most amazing summer together. Best time of my life, this far. Amazing. Now by the time summer was over, I was full time focusing all the energy I had into my boyfriend. He was very angry and stressed out. He just wasn’t in a good place and I was doing everything I could to support him emotionally. I was basically living with him now. We started fighting a lot. He was very manipulitive and it was wearing me down. He is the most stubborn and self centered person I know. He is always right. I mean always. Even when he’s wrong. That was really hard for me. It really took a toll on me, always being wrong about everything. He made me feel weak and small. I constantly apologizing for every move I made. I was feeling punished all the time. Now I’m not saying I was perfect, because I know I’m a bitch. I probably made him feel like shit too. I tried, I did. But I knew he was frustrated because he didn’t know how to deal with his emotions yet, and from my expirence I knew it would come if I just supported him. So I did. He was just very manipulitive toward everyone around him, but it was different with me. He never apologized to anyone, but he always said sorry to me. He always acknowledged his mistakes with me. But now, I’m seeing that was just a part of the manipulation. And I knew, but I just couldnt stop. It was a mild mentally abusive relationship. But it’s like a drug, I hate it, but I need it.
So, now fall is ending and winter is coming around. By this point we fight more than love. My dad walked out on us and my mom has gone in to a raging downword spiral of depression. She kicks me out so now im living at my boyfriends house full time. I’m not in school anymore. I have not friends left because I’m so immersed in my relationship. I think thats when it started to get really bad. We had our moments of bliss, but mostly we just annoyed each other more than anything. We went on vacation for christmas and i dont think we got along all week.
I was feeling really detatched and lonely and I didnt feel like I was getting the support I gave him, and it was frustrating. The only time we really connected anymore is when we had sex. I am someone who was sexually abused and it made me very very scared that the only time we connected was during sex because, is that all he wanted? So that was one big reason we fought so much. He didnt talk about our future anymore. He didnt look at me like he used to. He barely looked at me at all.
By now the fighting is constant. Im emotionally drained. Guilt is now my main emotion. I have nothing left. I moved across the city 30 minuets away with my grandparents. By this point we are only seeing each other twice a week, maybe. And I’m trying so hard but he’s so just, disconnected. And it’s scary.
So then it happend. We get in a big fight. Now I haven’t seen or heard from him in three days. He texts me and tells me maybe we should take a break. A break? What do you mean…? Are you kidding? No. He is dead serious. Fine. Let’s take a fucking break. But then two days later, it hits me. Her serious. I call crying. Bawling. Barley able to speak through my sobs. And he just is emotionless. He says this is what he wants. I beg him why, no, please. I’m sorry. Im so sorry for whatever I did, just please dont do this. He says, he wants to see other people. I think my heart stops. Other people? Am I not good enough? Am I not what you want anymore? Because I sure as hell do not want anyone else.
Now I’m confused. He used to tell me, “there is no one else for me. I dont want anyone else. I’m fine with just you for the rest of my life” and naturally i believed him, he’s only been saying it for the last five years of my life. So what happened?
Ok, are you ready for the best part now? Do you want to know what he told me? He has outgrown me. Outgrown me. He was blinded by his depression. He thought he loved me, but I was just a distraction. I pulled him out of his darkness, and now he wants to be free. He’s happy and he doesn’t want to be tied down right now. He’s finally fucking happy and now he doesn’t want to help me get there with him so we can be happy together. He wants to see other people. I’m crushed. Is this real?
For the next week I bust out into tears randomly at least seven times a day. I cry myself to sleep every night. I keep thinking he’s going to show up at the door and say he’s sorry and he was wrong. I’m in denial. I actually cannot believe this is happening. This can’t be happening.
I go to his house to try to talk to him. But I sit in silence crying for a half hour. And I leave. I couldn’t say a word. He doesn’t even care. Emotionless. He really doesn’t love me. He never did. He never did? He never loved me? After everything. Everything we went through this past year together. It was all a lie? He lied to me for a year. Do you understand. I opened my cold fucking heart up to him and he broke every kind of trust you could break. I just dont understand that. I still dont.
We honestly had a connection like no one I’ve her known. I don’t know how to explain it. It has to be love. I loved him. I’ve loved him since I was 13 years old. I planned my life with him. He told me he would never leave me. He promised. And still cant believe this is happening. I cannot believe that right now while I’m crying in bed, he’s happy. He feels good. Not being with me, feels good. I can’t believe it.
And I guess that’s the blunt ending to my story. It feels good to explain all of my story completely like that. I feel relieved. Thanks. That’s all. Goodnight.
I still love you, Sam. Always will.